I found myself at a turning, strike that, breaking point – attempting to balance being a wife, mother, and educator. I was still am exhausted. So, why add one more thing you ask? I asked the same thing a couple years ago and decided to scrap it. It felt good… for a hot minute.
I work at being a prayer warrior and kept praying about the voices, nudging back toward this blog thing. My prayers were always general. And about a year ago, for the first time in 5 years, I found myself sitting at work completely paralyzed. I couldn’t function and went home. I was paralyzed by my emotions- I couldn’t keep going. I cried all the way home – I was broken. I wasn’t a wonderful wife, marvelous mother, or sensational school administrator. I was doing just enough to get by, I was distant with my family and colleagues. Now, this wasn’t something that just happened that day. I finally exceeded my limit and broke … broke down. I got home and crawled into bed hoping to never have to leave. About four hours later, my mini me came running into the house screaming “mommy mommy your home.” In that moment my heart smiled and I began to pick up the pieces. I prayed… I finally was real with myself and prayed more specifically. I lifted my worries and “calendar” to the good Lord and was honest that I couldn’t figure it out anymore and needed him too walk me through it. No lie within a couple of weeks I had a different job opportunity that would allow me more time with my family, the load of work responsibilities were realistic to accomplish within reasonable hours, and the emotional stress that came along with being an assistant principal at an at-risk school would diminish. I was not naive in that this would solve all balance issues immediately. But it was a start on the road of recovery, so to speak.
I am still picking up the pieces and have a long ways to go. I am still trying to figure out who I am without a 70 hour a week job (on a good week). I am still figuring out our balance at home, now that I am actually present. I am still working on getting over the guilt of all that time and emotional energy that was not directed at my husband or kids. I am still working on my health and not resenting the work I have to put into managing my Type 1 diabetes. I need to make a priority of working on my physical confidence. I feel the basic balance of work and family has greatly improved with the new job- but the basic balancing of time is just the beginning. I hope that this blog will document my journey and life lessons on being a wife, mother, and now a HS teacher. I hope to connect to other flawed working parents and education professionals so that we can share laughter, tears, and maybe a lesson or two that make us perfectly flawed.
To learn more about my “makings” go here.