Almost a year ago, I took a break from writing. Writing on the blog, writing in my journal. I felt a pull to sit still. Sit in the silence. Sit without the push of the to-do list. And listen.
I don’t handle silence well. I often grow tired. Which results in a nap. I really started to reflect on the rushed life that was draining me. Then the pandemic happened. We were all jolted stop. We were all forced to slow down. In some cases, some shut down emotionally and spiritually, as the world around us did. I did to a certain degree. I had drafts, I had plans, I had thoughts that came during my planned down time. When June came- I just was exhausted. Emotionally and mentally. I had no words. I felt that push again to embrace the slow down. Embrace the silence that made me uncomfortable. To embrace the lack of words I had. So I sat in silence. Listened in the silence. I really felt the push to disconnect and create more silence. I disconnected from social media.
Fast forward, about a month ago I had a week of super vivid dreams. This is not normal for me. The number 20 was reoccurring in my dreams. According to, Numerology Center and the biblical numbers, the number 20 is a symbol for trials with waiting periods. It also talks about if the trail and waiting period is handled well the possible blessings. Interesting, yet not surprising… you know- because its 2020 and global pandemic (not to mention a TON of other things).
During this silence (and a bit before), I have really been digging into the letters Paul wrote. In a weird way, they feel like love letters to my soul. He is pouring his heart out, to different groups of people, imparting wisdom during his trials and waiting.
As a believer, often, we are are dealing with trials. Many from decisions made with earthly and/or flesh “wisdom.” Not the wisdom from the Lord. Because, let’s be honest, it is easier in the moment. The suffering is not at all easier or shorter. Seeking, really listening, Godly wisdom can be exhausting. WAITING in the trial to follow is wisdom can be so exhausting, it can seem impossible. It is SO SO SO hard to keep our focus off the earthly/flesh suffering and focus on the blessings – that truthfully we may not see on this side of heaven.
As I reflect on 2020, as I turn 40, I am so grounded (today) in the fact that- the true blessing, glory will be when we are reunited with Jesus. I can’t help but see this pandemic (and all else tied to it) as a long trail and this is our waiting period. A waiting period, where we need to focus not on our earthly needs/wants (some of which were taken), but to really dig deep and focus that we may be in a midst of a period- to have hard earthly days so, the eyes of our soul can spiritually awaken.
Even though my mind is usually in a daily swirl, of the upside down world I am currently navigating – I feel anew. I feel refreshed. I feel the new focus this waiting period trained my brain to have- brings a new fresh start. A re-birth so to speak. So as my birthday comes and goes, the Lord gave me the best present of all. A new fresh focus- a new fresh day- a new fresh perspective. (PS some days are still exhausting- more of that to come)
My hope for you today- is to embrace the new. Let go of the old. Sit still. Be silent. Focus on the blessings promised to us.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)