For the Love … of Tears

Crying in church. Every. Time.

I have an aunt that cries all the time. I love her – she is more than an aunt. She is my sister, friend, spiritual guide, aunt, therapist, and the list goes on. Crying comes natural and from my perspective easy.

I am not that person. I don’t cry. I just don’t. It isn’t that I choose to not cry- I have days I want the tears to be released and just flow. Just maybe that will solve the current struggle.

In the past year, however, I cry at church. Every. Time.  This was worrisome to a degree. Now,  I know it shouldn’t cause great concern, but it did. As simple as that- it did. I would have a great Sunday morning and walk into church willing myself, convincing myself that I had absolutely no reason to cry. I am so very blessed. I would leave the service with watered down eyes.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 (NIV) a time to week and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance … a time to tear and a time to mend…

My story of storms in the recent year(s), honestly, left me utterly broken. Fallen, unable to get up, unable to do basic daily life… but blessed because I feel at his feet. What a great landing place. As I redefined my life, with my new scars and embracing some new flaws. I am a child of God – and the scars from the storm – really have hit home in my heart – with because  of my scars and flaws- how much grace, love, guidance, understanding has been poured over me by God daily. I don’t mourn every Sunday. My eyes well up, my voice cracks complete overwhelmed by this realization. He did restore what I thought I lost. He drew me near. He ran to me. When I couldn’t fly- he carried me up the mountain. He listened to my cries, my prayers, my unspoken pleas- he gave me peace in a storm- that couldn’t have produced peace. He gave me strength. He loved me. He loves me. The unmeasurable gratitude that fills my spirit- I redeclare my love for him. I redeclare my desire to forever be his. To forever love him. To feel that, especially in his house – brings on the tears.

For. The. Love. Of Tears – Every thankful Sunday … and quite a few days in between. 

 

For the Love… Of Time

Looking back almost 2 years ago, I made a drastic change in my career. Along with the theme of my journey, testimony- I truly believe God was using that day to prepare me for a day coming. I just had no idea.

I had walked in my faith my 4 years as a middle school administrator … so many words from the good Lord have come through the countless moments shared by staff, parents, community and students. That place not only tested my faith and purpose but solidified it. I can honestly say I had NEVER been truly blessed to work at place that really had become a second home … because they were family and one serious part of my heart.  I tend to be a fairly private person in my personal faith struggles and accomplishments. I spend allot of my commute (50 min each way) praising the Lord, listening to sermons, or quiet praying. This was definitely worth my time – but I had pushed (due to a natural urge) to increase that time in a place I could write and reflect on the word of the Lord, and well this just could not happen in my commute. My hours at work were long and my time with my family was limited.

The year prior to that time, I had started prayer journaling, stopped prayer journaling, made a mobile war room, packed up the mobile war room, and finally create a corner of our bedroom with a small desk, a chair, a fresh plant, and pens- my bible, mobile war room and journal.

So I had this space created – at the time I was working on prayer journaling (Something I need to get back to). I remember this particular Saturday and I dug deep and wrote…Dear Lord I admit I have not been good at being still. Being quiet. Listening to your guidance. I admit I have voices that I doubt. Is this the devil messing with the path you have provided – or is this you oh Lord. “ I move to prayer requests … “ Oh dear Lord if this is not your guidance help me to quiet the distractions. Dear Lord if this is your guidance please help me find the confidence to trust the voices and help me find and balance my time to fully give to this calling, I think I hear.  Help me with the strength to carry out your wishes/plan. Please, please, help me find the time to achieve this.”

Later in the day a listing for a position teaching engineering catches my eye. I fly by it, not paying much attention.

Sunday I go to bed thinking of all the things to be done Monday. I toss and turn for hours about that job. I finally email the principal about the school and position. Go to bed and think nothing much of it.

In a whirlwind of a week – I visited the school, interviewed, and was offered the position. This opportunity- was not at all on the “path” I had created for myself. I prayed allot.  I prayed – I asked was this a joke – I felt I finally was finding my groove and loved to school I was at. I started to think about the staff, the students, my hopes and dreams for future programs. I was convinced this was a cruel joke – the school was amazing and now I get an opportunity like this. Where was this a few years earlier when I questioned my place and purpose at this school.  I cried. I told the Lord OK I hear you. I slept.

I awoke with such peace about my future, my time with mini me and to dig deeper with my relationship with the Lord. I awoke with a hurting heart for all of my work family. As I look back at that whirlwind of a week. I also realized that opportunity did not come when I was seeking an opportunity so hard – because I was too busy to seeking my purpose and place in life. It came at that time because I had shifted my focus to seek him and then he will provide the purpose and path to get there- sometimes without us even realizing it happened. And even later from that moment, again I realized he was preparing me then for what was coming.

 

For the Love… and courage.

For. The. Love. Y’all…. I am back. Helllllooooo for those who are still with me. WELCOME to those who are new.

2017: I had started a blog a few years ago to share stories of wife-hood, motherhood, and school administrator-hood. As a number based person, I surprising loved to write and share.  During this process – I had this deep yearning to spend more time on my blog. I prayed about it, I prayed about a job opportunity that would give me the time to devote to it. I started a new site, planned my exit from the over-worked hours of a school administrator and had lots of new content drafted and planned.

2018: The life as I knew it changed. “The storm” hit. I “went off grid.” (more on this to come)

January 2019– I jumped. Fast and furious, I jumped on the band wagon- one word.

Courage2

Today – In the past two months, I have been working on what this means (more on that in future posts) – but what I can tell you – what I realize now is all that prep in 2017 of the blog and job change, the unexplainable growth in my faith walk, and the grace through the storm of 2018, God was using that day to prepare me for this day. In the coming weeks and quite realistically months- I will have the courage to bring my perspective of, what I refer to as “the storm.” 

Full disclosure, I have NO idea who I am writing this for- but it has been placed on my heart, for someone.  I have, literally, lost sleep about ignoring this. I hope that you are willing to come along for the ride and share with anyone you feel moved to share with.